Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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