I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
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Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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