a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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