The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
