Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
