you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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