I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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