You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
