i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
