Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
