I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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