I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
