what day is it and did you see me today?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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