Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
