do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
