If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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