Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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