I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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