I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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