when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
