i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
