how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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