You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
