So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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