My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
