Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
