Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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