Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
