I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
