a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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