You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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