I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
