Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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