All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
