i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
