Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
