Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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