i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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