And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
