Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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