I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
