from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
