You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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