Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
