hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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