i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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