just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
