What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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