My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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