New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
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I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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