Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
two words: eviction party
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
