dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
