your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
