I have demons in me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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