All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Sober January is a disaster.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
This is the high leading the old right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
