im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
