U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
