I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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