does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
