Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
